Joke!

[Forbes Hyphen at work]

Two nun, sister Catherine and sister Helen are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.

"Quick, quick!" shouts sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says sister Helen.

"Now your talking," says sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

[Forbes Hyphen at work]

And another for luck!

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with my ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarress anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it!" he replied.

[Bev]

Q: How many members of Ocean Colour Scene does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Four - one to change the bulb, and three to ask Paul Wellar how HE would have changed a lighbulb when he was in The Jam.
_________________
Scattershot Writing: www.jameseverington.blogspot.com

[LoneStranger]

Which hand is the frog in.....?

...........sorry, it's a visual gag.

I'm going to sleep now (it's best for everyone)
_________________
Find a job you like, and add five days to every week.

[Tommy Tynans Lovechild]

er... sorry...

david hasslehoff walks into a bar
barman goes mr hasslefhoff what can i get yer?
he goes just call me david
barman goes, sure david, no hassle....

i'll get me coat.

well its passed me bedtime!

[t.v.r.d.o.c.]

[Kris]

[gillworm]

ok, i stole this one from the latest Word mag:

two guys go to a fancy dress party, one turns up with a pear on the end of his willy, the other has a bowl of custard somewhow attached to his. willy.. when they get there a friend asks what they've come as. 'well, says the first guy, I'm deep in despair and my mates' fucking disgusted'


the article i've stolen thes from was a piece about jokes written (of course) by Andrew Collins. my other fave form the jokes he quotes is another fancy dress party joke: a guy turns up at a party with his girlfriend on his back...what have you come as, they ask? 'well i'm a tortoise and this is Michelle'....

[che17]

what's black, white + red?

zebra in a blender.

[gillworm]

what goes black, white, black, white, black, white, red?


a zebra with a sore bum.

[Dubya - T]

[joeloke22]

A husband, wife and two sons are watchin' TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're goin' up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees that the door to his parents bedroom is slightly open. So he peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek in thier parents bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

[Crustybit]

This is an old one, but still very good


Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar...

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large
garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a Goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[joeloke22]

After all the publicity Lorraina Bobit recieved
after the trial, she decided to move to Russia
and changed her name to Lorraina Cutacockoff.